Monday, January 20, 2014

A Compleat To-Do List for the 34-to-56-Year-Old American Woman, as Determined by Ad Placement on Lifetime Television's Premiere of "Flowers in the Attic"

  • Fix yellow, crooked, softening teeth (Invisalign, ACT mouthwash, Colgate Optic White)
  • Cover gray hair (Nice & Easy, Clairol Age Defy)
  • Find appropriate food for pet with food sensitivities (Fresh Pet, Blue Basics)
  • Find a date (Christian Mingle)
  • Lubricate (Osphema; see above)
  • Cheer on patricide (Lizzie Borden movie with Christina Ricci)
  • Find insurance, preferably from talking and/or oversized baby (State Farm, Nationwide)
  • Make homemade bread but not really (Fleischmann's Simply Homemade Bread Mix)
  • Take on vaginal fungus and win (Monistat)
  • Root for the underdog ("Gimme Shelter" with Vanessa Hudgens as "a revelation"; see also Gabby Douglas Lifetime movie)
  • Go to the Bahamas (Atlantis resort)
  • Get a damn coat (Burlington)
  • Eat fried chicken and/or creatively packaged tuna (KFC, Sunkist Tuna Creations)
  • Be appropriately compensated for injury sustained in truck accident (Cellino & Barnes, 800-888-888,
  • Call Cellino & Barnes on new phone (T-Mobile)
  • Get rid of this damn migraine/remind self of anti-aging possibilities (Botox)
  • "Do" taxes (H&R Block)
  • Become pain-free (Xeljanz, Cortizone, Move Free, ThermaCare, Advil, Rolaids, Robitussin, both of the ’Quils, Selsun Blue, Chapstick, Airborne, Gold Bond)
  • Menstruate (Always Infinity Flex Foam)
  • Purchase sturdier shoes (Skechers Slip-Resistant Shoes)
  • Consume anything at Dunkin’ Donuts except donuts (DD iced tea, coffee, breakfast sandwich)
  • No, wait, have breakfast sandwich at home (Jimmy Dean)
  • Switch to bank that cares about my ideas (Santander)
  • Watch more Lifetime Television, preferably using Time Warner (too many to list)
  • Learn; drink more water (Capella University, Pur water filtration)
  • Take out the trash (Hefty Ultimate)
  • Buy batteries for vibrator (Energizer; implied)
  • Meryl! ("August: Osage County")


  1. This amused me tremendously. Basically the show's target audience is aging single women with lots of cats and vagina issues and unrealized aspirations.

    I like doing this with golf on TV. Lots of ED drugs and expensive cars and liquor.

  2. This is hilarious, and so true! For so many of us, these messages are subliminal.

  3. On the morning and evening news there's lots of new car commercials, but during the day there's cleaning products and online universities.

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