Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A List of Beauty Products I Discarded Upon Thoroughly Cleaning My Bathroom This Weekend, Arranged By Category

I’ve Got About Half an Application Left of This And Have Already Moved On To the New Bottle But Hey I Should Keep This One Too Just In Case
• Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
• Prescriptives Traceless Skin Responsive Tint (three bottles)
• Up & Up (Target brand!) Facial Scrub
• Maybelline Blush Bronzer 

I Don’t Have a Flat Iron Or Colored Hair But Maybe This Will Come In Handy In An Alternate Universe
• Silk Result Instant Flat Iron Protection Smoother
• Goldwell Color Definition Conditioner

Loved It When I Was 25 And Have Held Onto It For 10 Years In An Effort To Cling To Vestiges of My Girlish Youth Even Though I Know I Am Far Better Off At This Age In Part Because I Can Now Drink Whiskey Without Making a Face, A Feat That Escaped Me 10 Years Ago
• Kake After Shower Gel Hydrator Fortune Kookie
• Nolita Grit Gel (“Beach Hair, City Style”)
• Girl Cosmetics glitter eye pencil
• Mysterious number of Sharpies (trying to be a riot grrrl? I don’t remember)
• Neutrogena Rapid Clear Acne Defense Face Lotion

Super-Duper Insecure About Having Shiny/Red Skin And Will Buy Any Amount of Product Designed To Conceal These Characteristics
• Origins Zero Oil Instant Matte Finish
• Jelly Pong Pont Teint Sublime Complexion Cheater
• Eucerin Redness Relief Tone Perfecting Creme

I Spent a Month Using Wrinkle Cream On Half My Face And Know This Shit Doesn’t Really Do Much But Damn If I Didn’t Feel Like I Was Doing Something “For Me!” When I Plunked Down $25 On Each Of These Bottles
• Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair
• CVS Advanced Deep-Set Wrinkle Therapy
• Olay Regenerist Deep Hydration Regenerating Cream

No Idea What This Is Supposed To Do
• Benefit Powderflage (on the bottle: “Lesson Inside!”)
• Paves Professional Flawless It’s a Wrap Defining Finishing Cream

Know For a Fact This Doesn’t Work But Held Onto Anyway (Reasons Unclear)
• Mudoku Detox Foot Pads (“As Seen on TV!”)
• Target brand razors (rashes! terrible! never use these! kept nine of ‘em for a year)
• Lush Coconut Deodorant Powder
• Paula Dorf Cake Mascara in Raven*

But They Gave It To Me For Free!
• Kiehl’s Deluxe Hand & Body Lotion in Coriander
• J.R. Watkins Hand Soap in Lavender (sample size; when would you ever think to use a sample of hand soap?)

Made Me Look Terrible Every Time I Tried It But Hey Maybe It Was Me Not The Product
• Maybelline Wonder Finish Clean Powder-Finish Foundation
• L’Oreal Touch-On Colour
• Lord & Berry Eyeshadow Supreme in some weird frosted plum shade
• Bain de Terre Scalp Massage Scrub

Packrat, No Real Excuse
• Soap dish with two soap scraps
• Sephora makeup brush, matted from overuse

Smelled Gross But Wished It Didn’t Because It Sounded So Luxurious So I Kept It Anyway And Hoped I’d Change My Mind
• Galenic Elancyl Corps Ultra Hydrating Detoxifying Cream
• Portico Amber and Olivewood Body Mist

*Sub-category, Guilt: Wrested out of boss’s hands at a beauty sale in 1999 and feel guilty to this day because she really wanted it but I became uncharacteristically fixated on it and justified the transaction as payment for making me listen to stories about her pet bird


  1. Hah! Even I, cosmetics novice that I am, could probably do an equally impressive purge. What motivates us to KEEP this stuff??!??

  2. I agree on the Target brand razors. They are terrible. And painful.

  3. AUTUMN WROTE: Know For a Fact This Doesn’t Work But Held Onto Anyway (Reasons Unclear)
    • Mudoku Detox Foot Pads (“As Seen on TV!”)

    She doesn't mention that this one was a stocking stuffer from last year. Scratch that off THIS year's list!

  4. Sal, I have no ideal!

    Sarah B., it was surprising to me--I've happily used plenty of other Target products but those were AWFUL!

    Moooooommm! (I should've added an asterisk next to that one. Very nice of Santa! But they're a hoax!) In other news, I am officially removing black mascara from my stocking stuffers list, as this recent cleaning showed me I have EIGHT of them.

  5. Rather, I have no idea. I also have no ideal, but that's for another discussion.

  6. Embrace your shine!

    I loved this post. I don't have any unused beauty products, but that's mostly because 1) I move every year and 2) I'm almost compulsive about purging things. I take great pleasure in cleaning out my life--- not only does this busywork keep things tidy, it allows me to procrastinate self-actualization indefinitely!

  7. Good job! It is amazing how long we keep things, because we might use them again or because we like the idea of having them around.

    You are better off without those products!

  8. Laughing aloud is not something I usually do in the fairly early morning, but I did when I read this post. (And I smiled again when I recognized my own wrinkle cream that doesn't seem to do "much" - I keep hoping that however small the effect, it's a matter of incremental change that will one day bring back my 21-year-old face.) I recently "inherited" a small, attractive earthenware corked pot containing a mysterious reddish powder, which I stored with my art supplies until I discovered its twin in a store being sold as blusher/rouge, so now I have yet another container in the bathroom. (It's not bad, really - glad I found it).

    I would also like to say that I enjoy posts like this, and particularly value them after posts like Monday's, which was wonderfully thought provoking and equally enjoyable, in a different way.

  9. Ah now if only drugstore aisles were this honest!

  10. Ha. I should do a post about Shit That Has Accumulated in the Same Shower Tote Bag (I clean it!) I've Been Using Since College. :P

  11. Why do we keep it? I don't know about you, but I tend to hang on to beauty products because I feel terrible guilt about throwing away anything that could possibly be useful to anyone. With misguided clothing or homegoods purchases, I at least can donate the items to charity, but it's harder to find a recipient for a half-used bottle of lotion or cleanser. When I was younger and lived at home with my sisters, I could offer those items to them, but now they just sit in my cabinets, waiting for some mythical home...

  12. I keep this stuff mostly because I wince when I think about throwing perfectly good products in the landfill. As long as I'm holding onto it, even if it's not being used, it hasn't gone to waste, not yet...

  13. This is a hilarious post. I've got my share of unused beauty junk hanging out in my bathroom, including an inordinate amount of silver-y eye makeup, which is the only kind of eye makeup I feel comfortable applying (because all you really have to do is smear it on) and way too much fluorescent nail polish. It's like I'm stuck at age 19.

    P.S. Thanks for the reminders that wrinkle creams don't work. I had a moment of panic the other day when I realized my under eye areas turn into a spiderweb of fine lines and wrinkles whenever I laugh or smile. I had to remind myself that this is perfectly normal for a 32-year-old woman, and that $30 eye cream is not going to do a damn thing.

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